To Be Loved

The low hum of the glass against Cody’s forehead was comforting.

Combined with the soft tunes delivered from Spotify to his noise-cancelling headphones, it left Cody wandering calmly through his own world. Staring into the middle-distance, he absently pictured this morning’s breakfast with Austin.

As always, their pancakes were divine, and the warm smile beneath their gold-rimmed glasses was infectious, spreading its warmth to Cody himself, even as a memory.

Especially as a memory.

Cody came back to the present somewhat and retrieved his phone from the pocket of his hoodie. Opening his banking app, he turned his head to log in with facial recognition — an inopportune moment for a lurch to strike, knocking his skull against the window.

‘Ouch,’ he muttered to himself, rubbing the spot with his free hand before returning to his original position.

Distracted for only a moment and calmed again by the return of the window’s vibrations, he swiped through his banking app to his savings account and stared for a moment at the several thousand he had sitting there.

‘This weekend,’ he thought to himself, ‘I’ll finally have all my hard work and saving pay off.’

The vibrations against Cody’s forehead began to slow.

He glanced out through the window he was pressed against to see a platform drawing alongside him. The train came to a halt, the usual pause ensued, and then lingered.

Cody was just raising his head, looking to see what was wrong, when the P.A. crackled to life. ‘Attention passengers, this service will be terminating here this afternoon due to an unforeseen issue further up the line. Road replacement services will be arriving shortly, please disembark and follow staff directions to the coach departure point. Apologies for the inconvenience. Thank you for travelling with V-line.’

A bubble popped, and Cody immediately felt that familiar feeling sinking into the pit of his stomach, his pleasant daydream irretrievably banished. Unprepared to face the world immediately, Cody flicked over to Discord on his phone, dropping a complaint to his friends. ‘Alright, who blew up the train tracks this time? Fucking road replacements for most of the trip again.’

The carriage had mostly emptied out by that time, and, not wanting to be the last on the train, Cody convinced his legs to push him upright. He convinced his arms to gather his tablet and messenger bag, stuffed to the brim with enough clothes for several days at his parents’ place. He convinced his mind to focus on where he needed to go for a moment and leave the worrying for when he got there.

Somehow, Cody was already feeling nauseous. Road travel always made him feel ill unless he was driving or at least in the front seat. On a coach, sitting at the front often helped, but it was no sure science and throwing up on one was always harrowing.

On the way along the platform, as Cody followed directions from staff in high-vis vests, a sound in his headphones signified a message. Following the crowd, he eventually reached the coach terminal: a grand total of two marquees by the side of the bitumen, with a very stressed looking man in Vline colours trying to calm the crowd.

Seeing no imminent coaches, Cody took out his phone to see a text from Aus.

‘Do you need me to come get you love?’

This was comforting, but not enough to dissuade his anxiety. ‘Besides, that would be overkill, wouldn’t it? It’s just a coach,’ he convinced himself.

‘Thanks love, but I’ll be fine. I’ve got to go see my parents, no running away from it over a silly road coach.’

Cody pushed one headphone back behind his ear to listen to the Vline man.

‘… the incident, our coaches are still being sourced. We ask you to be patient, and when they arrive, be prepared to filter into the correct coach, express or stopping all. If you have further questions, please come and speak with me.’

‘Great,’ he rolled his eyes ‘now I’m going to be late, too.’

A familiar ping drew Cody’s eyes down to the phone.

‘If it makes you uncomfortable, it’s not silly. You don’t have to back out, I could ring in sick and drive you. I have plenty of sick days left and it’s already April. I kinda wished I was going with you anyway, so I really am happy to. ❤️’

As usual, Cody’s anxiety piqued at that. It always did when others offered to go out of their way for him. Cody took a breath, and tried to picture Austin’s voice, remembering a conversation from last year like it was yesterday.

‘I’m sorry,’ they said.

‘For what? You just wanted to help,’ Cody forced, through tears.

‘I’m sorry because I made you uncomfortable,’ they clarified.

‘It w-wasn’t y-your fault though. I’m just like this.’

‘It also wasn’t your fault, and I don’t want you to feel guilty for this.’

They both sat in silence for a time, Cody burying himself in Austin’s arms.

‘Can I tell you something really important?’ they asked.

Cody nodded into their shoulder.

‘I didn’t offer to help you because I feel like it’s my job to, or because I feel like you need me to constantly take care of you. I offered to help you because … making you happy … it makes me happy too.’

Cody stiffened, his mind fighting a battle of anxiety and love. To be loved, it sometimes felt like he was a burden. To be a burden… that made it hard to be loved.

‘It’s not your fault. Anxiety doesn’t have to make sense to be real, and I understand that it can make you feel like a burden, so I want to make you a promise … that I will never, ever break.’

Cody looked up at them, eyes glistening. Eventually he spoke in a whisper ‘O-ok…’

‘If helping you … ever makes me feel like you are a burden on me. If I ever feel like my life would be better if I just didn’t help you, I promise … I simply won’t help … or even offer.’

A puzzled look came across his eyes as they spoke.

‘Which means, every time I do help, it’s because I am truly happy to be helping… but this promise has one condition,’ they continued, ‘you have to promise me something.’

Cody looked worried and fresh tears started to well before Aus could reassure him.

‘All I want you to do, is promise me this: whenever you feel like a burden, you try to remember this conversation right now, and see if it helps. If it doesn’t, come talk to me, and we’ll –’

They were interrupted as Cody suddenly leant in and kissed them. After several moments he pulled away and, in a shaky voice, whispered ‘I promise.’

‘I promise,’ Cody whispered, exhaling a held breath.

It helped. It always helped. But there was another layer to this. As much as Cody loved Aus for offering to help, he had a plan, and taking Aus along would be … problematic.

With consideration, he typed: ‘I promise this is not because I feel like a burden. I love that you want to help, but I have to do this. It really isn’t that hard. I’ll ask the driver for the front seat and watch out the windscreen the whole time. It’ll be good for me to try and get used to it.’

Send

Cody sighed out a breath he didn’t realise had been held, then settled in to wait for the replacement coach.

Ding

‘Ok, if you’re sure. At the very least, if you need me, I’ll be there. Is that allowed?’

Cody smiled at that.

‘Always.’

The next fifteen minutes or so were spent reading before, finally, the first rail replacement coach pulled up. The crowd surged forward, but after a few minutes in line, fidgeting with his nose ring, Cody made it to the front.

‘End of the line again?’ The driver asked.

‘He must remember me,’ Cody thought to himself as he nodded to the driver, ‘God, I hope it’s not because I’ve thrown up on his bus before.’

‘Hop on in then, this is the express.’

Climbing up the steps, Cody saw the front row already occupied.

‘H-hi, excuse me, sir,’ he got the man’s attention, ‘I get very motion sick, would you mind moving to the seat behind you so I can sit in the front?’

The man put his hand behind his ear. ‘What’s that? Speak up!’ He said, quite gruffly.

‘S-sorry, I was wondering if you would mind-’

The man waved his hand to stop Cody. ‘I heard you; I heard you. You can have the seat… if you take that god awful thing out of your nose.’

‘What?’

‘Pardon.’

‘I-I, I don’t see how that’s…’

‘What’s the hold up? Come on! We’re already late!’ came the voices of the crowd outside the bus. Cody could feel his chest start to tighten and his stomach knot up. This was too much.

The driver turned in his seat. ‘Can you please move back one seat sir? He really does get ill if he doesn’t sit there.’

‘Great, he does remember me for being sick,’ Cody realised, internally rolling his eyes.

‘Well, what about me, hmm? I also get sick. Besides, there are sick bags back there, aren’t there?’ the man called out, turning to look back.

An unhelpful hand held up a sick bag.

‘There, problem solved,’ he said, victoriously.

Cody couldn’t think of what to say, it was all too overwhelming.

The driver gave Cody a look that said, ‘It’s out of my hands, sorry kid,’ and waited to see what he would do.

Cody stood there for a moment, his stomach knotting up and bile building in his throat, his thoughts racing with no destination. ‘God, I’m gonna be sick right here. Fuck this is so bad. Shit what do I do?’

In his panic, Cody didn’t notice the disgruntled complaints from the crowd as someone cut in front of them.

‘Sir p-please,’ he tried, summoning up every bit of confidence he could find, ‘I need to sit there to travel, can w-’

‘I said no kid, I need it too, and I was here first.’

Cody felt on the brink of giving up and going home when someone grabbed his hand. He looked down to see…

‘Aus? What are you-?’

‘I told you, didn’t I? I’d be here if you needed me.’

Cody still felt like his insides were writhing inside him, but their smile, and the warmth behind those glasses … it seemed to help.

Austin led Cody back off the bus so others could get on and took him aside.

‘That guy sounded like an asshole. Are you ok?’

‘He had as much right to the seat as I did, I guess.’

‘Yeah, but he didn’t need to be a prick about it.’

‘True that,’ Cody laughed a little.

‘Doesn’t look like you’re gonna make it there without throwing up on the bus.’

‘… yeah’

‘Will you let me come stay with you, so I can drive you?’

‘Y-you can’t do that, it’s so far and there’s nothing for you to do down there, and you’ll have to share a couch with me and and and…’ Cody trailed off, realising his mind was getting the best of him.

‘Don’t worry about it,’ they said, calmly, ‘I like driving and I could sleep in a cardboard box if you were there. Plus, your parents love me.’

Cody could feel the tension starting to leave him, but still didn’t have the words to say to Austin. Instead, he buried his face in their chest.

‘What did I do to deserve you?’ he asked.

‘Hmmm, I think your step-mum’s cooking will more than make up for this one,’ Austin grins, ‘but in all seriousness, you don’t have to do anything to deserve me. I’m nothing special. Everyone deserves to be loved.’

‘Nothing special my ass,’ Cody laughed into their chest.

As they wandered back to Austin’s car, Cody felt at peace again, but he couldn’t help but wonder, now that Aus was coming with him: How the hell was he gonna sneak away to buy that ring?